Sighs why do relationships have to be so hard sometimes?

Okay to give you some background on me. I've been in a long distance relationship for the past 5 years with a guy from New Jersey. I'm not gonna mention his name for now just call him D.

We have lived together on and off for the last almost 2 years of our relationship between times he's gone back up to Jersey to work as taxi driver. We have actually lived together maybe a year or year and a half altogether.

Well me and D haven't really been getting along for awhile (fighting verbally nothing physical) over little things and some sorta big thins (at least they were to me) like talking to other girls on the chat line we meet on.

But to tell the truth I think alot of our fights were because of both of our past relationship baggage sorta influencing the way we've been in this relationship. I know I have mental health issues and I'm working on that now.

I was first diagnosed with depression over 15 years ago when I was getting mental health help in Johnston County. But when my family moved, I was feeling better and didn't really feel the need to talk to a therapist or take medication anymore. Its only been this last year or so (since I'd gotten back into NC from my trip to NJ) that I'd been feeling increasingly depressed with other situations in my life (not just the relationship issues I'd been having with D)

I went to my new local Mental Health on Tuesday after the breakup with D on Saturday. I was feeling very overwhelmed with everything and honestly I had a pair of black small scissors against my wrist before I dropped them in shock about the VERY Dark place my thoughts had gone to :-(

I knew that cutting my wrists (even if the damn scissors had been anywhere near sharp enough) would have been a Permanent Solution to a Temporary Situation. I've had a couple of different friends of friends/family commit suicide and I know I didn't want to hurt my family, friends or D the way I've seen my friends hurt in the aftermath of their friends/family member's suicide.

I'm glad that I have friends and family here with me for me to talk to and I have a couple friends who are dealing with their own mental health issues or know where I'm coming from with this.

I'm gonna be going to a group therapy from now on and dealing with my depression and anxiety. It sorta sucks that I can't get to see a Dr to get prescribed medication for my depression and the anxiety I'm going thru right now. But I'll try to start dealing with things a little better now.