Battle going on inside me right now

There's a war going on inside me right now between my heart and my mind. Ever since D told me that he has love for me but doesn't know if he's "in love" with me, I've been going back and forth.

Do I listen to my heart and keep hope alive inside me that maybe D will figure out that YES I'm the one he wants or do I listen to my head and say forget him? Sighs either way I feel like I'm in a lose/lose situation.

Maybe I need to do what the sign above says.

Wow two weeks almost from my last post

Hmmmmm where to begin? Let's start with the shit storm that the Rent A Center chick started when she called in CPS or Child Protective Services for most people.

Shakes my freaking head, my sister already has enough problems going on with her idiot guy telling her every other day that he's gonna toss her outta HIS house with out adding this crap to her plate.

Yes there were dishes in the sink (Big whoop de doh) Yes there were clothes on the floor (HELLO they were there to REPLACE the MESSED up Washer and bring us a NEW One) Yes my nephew said he was hungry and was running around in his underwear (#1 It was hot that day and #2 I had to get the RAC people outta my way so I could fix him a grilled cheese) Oh yeah and this was around same time that mom had just RECENTLY gotten outta the hospital from her damn mini-stroke.

That didn't concern little Miss Know-it-all Rent A Center chick Nope didn't ask any questions just jumped to conclusions and assumed shit.

My sister Doesn't even LIVE with Us first of all and secondly she should have been there to DO HER JOB not play amateur Social Worker.



The Boyfriend D just told me last night that while he's got love or loves me that he doesn't know if he's "in Love" with me? What the hell is that shit? Shakes my head, I've just decided to let it go and just see what happens at the end of the damn summer. I've changed my damn Facebook status and let him know I'm single and I'm not Just an option.


I'm filling out applications and getting on with my life. If he chooses to decide to become part of my life, than we'll see what happens with that but I'm not going to make him a priority when I'm just an option to him right now.



So long story short, Social Services is gonna be coming here on Wednesday around 3 PM and by than the living room/storage room will be straightened, mom and J's bedroom will be cleaned and straightened up, and the kitchen will be entirely cleaned up and stuff put away.

My nephew N has eye surgery on Friday (I think) or could be Saturday either way we need to pass this stupid inspection so we can keep my niece B here while everything is going on with N.

Well wish me good luck we're gonna need it to get everything cleaned up and totally straightened for these people. :-|

Computer troubles :-(

Well not really computer troubles but my modem took a crap on me lol

Of course it was over Memorial Day weekend, so I didn't get my new modem until the 30th. It actually arrived a couple days ahead of when Century Link told me it would arrive. So YAY for quick service. :-)

Over the weekend had to deal with the Rent A Center washer going crazy on me though, the lid wouldn't lock and since Whirlpool has that safety feature it wouldn't do ANYTHING. Ugghh and I tried calling off and on from Saturday around 5 PM up until Tuesday morning at 10 AM when I finally got an answer.

Turns out they were closed on Sunday (as normal hours) and Monday of course for Memorial Day. Thought it would be an easy switch the broke one for the new one sorta transaction but the loaner they brought me WOULDN'T put water into the washer. Grrrr so they had to take both back to the store and bring me another one out to replace the one that didn't work.

My nephew had gone outside with my sister and gotten the mail from the mailbox. I opened up the mail and found out that 2 of the 4 giftcards that I've earned from doing some 30 day trial period items had come in the mail. I thought cool now I've got $40 gas card and a $50 Wal-mart card to go and get some stuff from Wal-mart and be able to pay for the gas up to Dunn. I put the opened mail on the chest freezer by the back door and went to take care of my nephew for a few minutes.

The two workers from Rent A Center were taking the loaner washer out the back door and I didn't realize till after they left that my mail had been knocked down behind the chest freezer. I looked through the mail and 2 of my envelopes were empty. I was like hmmm WTH? The empty envelopes had the 2 gift cards in them earlier. I found the one gas card in the field where the Rent A Center truck had been parked along with the two letters from the companies that I'd gotten the gift cards from balled up in that field. I contacted Rent A Center thru Facebook. I'm not going to try to even talk to Harvey the store manager in Dunn, NC Rent A Center store.
I want to talk to the District Manager.

I'll have the washer until around 3 PM on Saturday now to make up for the time lost over the weekend.

I'll update about the gift card situation later.

Progress as of 5-24-2012 in the kitchen

Okay well this week had been stressful already with Mom going into the hospital on Monday. My sister and brother took turns the first night staying in the room with her while the kids (my niece B and nephew N) stayed here with me. Thankfully they slept thru the night and until around 9 am, so I was able to get a couple loads of laundry and a rack full of dishes done along with cleaning up area above the stove and the stove top ALL the way clean :-)

Picture above is the Stove area BEFORE

Kitchen Picture is a work in progress Picture.
Dirty dishes/pots/pans etc on the right hand side of the double sinks and the dish rack for the clean dishes on the left.

Laughs Yep I was cleaning the ENTIRE Top of the stove even
underneath the burners and ALL lol Still have some sorta
burnt on stuff to scrap off from under there.

Okay so I feel proud of the stove and the couple loads of laundry and rack of clean dishes but I feel like I really only just made a dent in the mess instead of just focusing on the GOOD Job that I've done so far :-s

Especially when I see the above picture of the kitchen in progress picture and these last couple of pictures of stuff I still need to get washed up and put away :-s

Stuff in front of the stove still to wash :-s

Still even more stuff to wash lol

Keeping busy Today 5-23-2012

Yeah I'm sorta slack at posting sometimes lol Since today is June 14th and not 5-23-2012 :-s

Once my sister and brother got home yesterday from being with Mom all night long, I went to sleep because I'd stayed up all night that night and I was ready to escape the youngans lol. I know I'm a sound sleeper and was worried I wouldn't hear my niece B or nephew N if they woke up while I was asleep. Laugh I don't have that super mommy ability of being a light sleeper in fact I once slept thru our tin roof getting folded over during a hurricane. So yeah I wasn't going to sleep till someone else was here to watch the kids.

Ended up doing a couple loads of wash and some dishes during the night. Of course, by time I went to hang up the clothes on the clothesline my niece B had waken up. I improvised and turned the grocery cart in the backyard into a temporary rolling playpen for her. The clothes ended up getting rained on later during the day. I'm laughing bout it now but I was pissed at the time. I should have remembered phrase from Of Mice and Men ---> Best laid plans of mice and men go awry. Laughs thanks Mrs. Parker for being my think it was 9th grade English teacher that taught me that so very long ago. :-)

Once I woke back up again (maybe 4 or 5 hours later) I went ahead and was trying to straighten up the kitchen some more. My nephew N even helped by taking all the green beans and corn and stacking them for now on the baker's rack in the corner. I need to buy some wood to turn the German shrunk that we have turned on end to make a storage area into more of a bookcase that we can use as a pantry.

I went ahead and tackled the area above the stove and the stove top itself tonight. I about broke my neck trying to use a bar stool to get where I could reach the shelves above the stove to wash them down. I cleaned up and scrubbed all over the top of the stove cleaning it off of all the assorted dishes and pots and pans. I sometimes think I'm just moving the mess from one area of the kitchen to another area of the kitchen though. :-s

I've got the before and after pictures of the stove area and the way the kitchen looks right now and pictures of areas I need to work on in the very near future. I'll put those pictures in another post since I'm still sorta figuring out the best way to add pictures to my posts here =^.^=

I ended up moving all the dishes to the far side of the sink so that I can fill up the sink on the right with dirty dishes and clean water and soap and move everything to the left to the dish drain I have set up there. Once the dishes are dried I move them to the baker's rack. Laughs my brother was surprised to see plates already washed and ready for supper last night. I still am going to buy some foam/plastic plates to use for summer or just when I don't want to do dishes.




I was having nephew N help with sorting the clothes to wash yesterday. I'd fill up the large round trash can with dirty clothes take it to the living room where I have two big sheets (one for whites and one for colors) and another pile for just sheets and towels. He'd help me throw clothes onto one pile or the other.







Wow looking at the pictures from the 5-23-2012 till now is like night and Day :-)

Living room is Soooo much cleaner The Burgundy computer chair is showing the same area where the big round trashcan was at in the first picture where we were sorting laundry :-)

Just an Update on the Doing things I shouldn't Post :-)

Well heard back from D and its good news or well promising news.

He's missed me too and been hurting (that's obviously NOT the good news) I mean I was hiding posts on my timeline on Facebook and avoiding talking to or mentioning him on there to NOT hurt him even unintentionally because I love him and I was thinking of his feelings.

The first talk with him sorta upset me because he was saying that we should each take this summer to explore and different things like that. He even said he may be taking a cross country trip to California (sighs definitely wasn't what I wanted to hear)

The second talk was actually the GOOD NEWS :-) He said he'd been thinking of me and had actually turned a couple of taxi runs over to another driver so he could talk to me. Laughs I told him to Stop doing that he needed the money and I could talk later. But he was like no I want to talk to you now. Just smiles and chuckles, remembering the conversation that followed.

He said that if things kept going the way that they were as far as me working on myself with therapy and getting myself back together that he could see us being back together in the future. He didn't want to promise anything because nobody knows the future and he didn't want to get my hopes up again.

I told him well I didn't know what the future held and I've lost people in the past that may not have know how much I loved them. So he'd have to forgive me but I wanted to make sure each day that I told him I love you. I mentioned how I couldn't remember if I'd told my dad I love him the day he went to work and didn't come home. He was tree climber and was killed on the job because the ground crew didn't move the fallen branches. He cut a limb off above him and it bounced up and killed him instantly.

D was so super supportive telling me that of course My Dad knew I loved him and even if I didn't tell him that day or not. He KNEW I loved him and that of course my Dad loved me. He talked to me even while I cried and blubbered like a baby. He knew exactly what to say and even with him being over 800 miles away, his voice was like a warm hug and shoulder to cry on.

Takes a deep breathe wiping my eyes, my Dad died on September 2, 1999 and I still hurt every time I think of that day. Its a deep soul wrenching pain that I don't think I will EVER get used to feeling. It hurts me to know what he's missed (birthdays, holidays, births of grandchildren) Takes a deeper sigh thinking of the future now and wondering if I'll be able to have kids and what the future or should I say WHO the future holds to be their father? Closes my eyes, I really want D to be there and telling me to push as I am in labor bringing OUR child into this world but for now I'll be putting that in my hope chest.

I told him (not really on purpose but I think I sorta wanted him to know) about what I almost did on Saturday with a pair of scissors. :-s I didn't cut my wrists that night because I had already seen the previous week how that could just hurt the people left behind. :-s

A friend's brother and also a friend of my sister D had lost family member/friend to suicide and I knew I would have left more unanswered questions behind and that suicide wasn't the answer.

Like I told my mom B Its a PERMANENT Solution to a Temporary Problem. I just need to look for more POSITIVE things in my life right now. D is an important part of that but no man could/should be the ONLY focus in your life.

Right now, I'm working on me (getting a job, paying off some of my credit debt, starting back into using more coupons once I have the room more organized for me to do that comfortably, hopefully renting my own place before the end of the summer)

I just have to have faith that if D dosen't come back to stay in NC that those taillights become headlights coming back towards me. Smiles D had even said you never know just because you see taillights leaving it doesn't mean that they can't turn around and become headlights again.

When that happens, I'll be the happiest woman alive because I know his promise of a second chance wasn't just something he said to calm me down. I know he's a good guy and that maybe we can be better together once I've gotten things under control here with my depression and different issues. And maybe a little counseling for both of us wouldn't hurt.

I've tried to talk to him about his past childhood but really I haven't really gotten much except I know he didn't have a good relationship with his dad :-s He told me that you've got to just start to crack open the book and start reading but he's been so close lipped about it that it just sorta frustrates me sometimes. I'd like to know more because well I love him and I'd love to know what makes him tick, you know?

I do have some things I think I will only be able to discuss in a couples therapy type of situation. Sighs some things are just too hard to say out loud or admit without thinking you will be judged for what happened. I've only told two other people and that was just recently. He knows about some stuff but some things I might just keep my secret all my life.

Mom is in hospital

Okay my mom is a diabetic has problems with blood pressure and arthritis and takes about 25 to 30 pills each day for all of that plus more health issues.

She was talking funny (not funny haha) but funny like asking if different people were still here visiting (we never have visitors here at the house) and she was insisting she went somewhere today even though she was in her nightgown and had been basically sleeping most of the day.

Called my sister and I checked her sugar it was 304 which was sorta high. Checked her blood pressure with one of those wrist style cuffs that automatically puffs up on its own. Blood pressure was low and I checked it again bout 10 minutes later. It was lower so my sister left her house and came with her two kids to take my mom to hospital.

Called the pharmacy to have a print up of her current medicines waiting for my sister.

Right now, mom is still in hospital overnight with my brother and sister staying up there and leaving the two kids N and B with me until the morning. :-s

Trying not to worry and keeping busy here with dishes and washing clothes.