Well heard back from D and its good news or well promising news.
He's missed me too and been hurting (that's obviously NOT the good news) I mean I was hiding posts on my timeline on Facebook and avoiding talking to or mentioning him on there to NOT hurt him even unintentionally because I love him and I was thinking of his feelings.
The first talk with him sorta upset me because he was saying that we should each take this summer to explore and different things like that. He even said he may be taking a cross country trip to California (sighs definitely wasn't what I wanted to hear)
The second talk was actually the GOOD NEWS :-) He said he'd been thinking of me and had actually turned a couple of taxi runs over to another driver so he could talk to me. Laughs I told him to Stop doing that he needed the money and I could talk later. But he was like no I want to talk to you now. Just smiles and chuckles, remembering the conversation that followed.
He said that if things kept going the way that they were as far as me working on myself with therapy and getting myself back together that he could see us being back together in the future. He didn't want to promise anything because nobody knows the future and he didn't want to get my hopes up again.
I told him well I didn't know what the future held and I've lost people in the past that may not have know how much I loved them. So he'd have to forgive me but I wanted to make sure each day that I told him I love you. I mentioned how I couldn't remember if I'd told my dad I love him the day he went to work and didn't come home. He was tree climber and was killed on the job because the ground crew didn't move the fallen branches. He cut a limb off above him and it bounced up and killed him instantly.
D was so super supportive telling me that of course My Dad knew I loved him and even if I didn't tell him that day or not. He KNEW I loved him and that of course my Dad loved me. He talked to me even while I cried and blubbered like a baby. He knew exactly what to say and even with him being over 800 miles away, his voice was like a warm hug and shoulder to cry on.
Takes a deep breathe wiping my eyes, my Dad died on September 2, 1999 and I still hurt every time I think of that day. Its a deep soul wrenching pain that I don't think I will EVER get used to feeling. It hurts me to know what he's missed (birthdays, holidays, births of grandchildren) Takes a deeper sigh thinking of the future now and wondering if I'll be able to have kids and what the future or should I say WHO the future holds to be their father? Closes my eyes, I really want D to be there and telling me to push as I am in labor bringing OUR child into this world but for now I'll be putting that in my hope chest.
I told him (not really on purpose but I think I sorta wanted him to know) about what I almost did on Saturday with a pair of scissors. :-s I didn't cut my wrists that night because I had already seen the previous week how that could just hurt the people left behind. :-s
A friend's brother and also a friend of my sister D had lost family member/friend to suicide and I knew I would have left more unanswered questions behind and that suicide wasn't the answer.
Like I told my mom B Its a PERMANENT Solution to a Temporary Problem. I just need to look for more POSITIVE things in my life right now. D is an important part of that but no man could/should be the ONLY focus in your life.
Right now, I'm working on me (getting a job, paying off some of my credit debt, starting back into using more coupons once I have the room more organized for me to do that comfortably, hopefully renting my own place before the end of the summer)
I just have to have faith that if D dosen't come back to stay in NC that those taillights become headlights coming back towards me. Smiles D had even said you never know just because you see taillights leaving it doesn't mean that they can't turn around and become headlights again.
When that happens, I'll be the happiest woman alive because I know his promise of a second chance wasn't just something he said to calm me down. I know he's a good guy and that maybe we can be better together once I've gotten things under control here with my depression and different issues. And maybe a little counseling for both of us wouldn't hurt.
I've tried to talk to him about his past childhood but really I haven't really gotten much except I know he didn't have a good relationship with his dad :-s He told me that you've got to just start to crack open the book and start reading but he's been so close lipped about it that it just sorta frustrates me sometimes. I'd like to know more because well I love him and I'd love to know what makes him tick, you know?
I do have some things I think I will only be able to discuss in a couples therapy type of situation. Sighs some things are just too hard to say out loud or admit without thinking you will be judged for what happened. I've only told two other people and that was just recently. He knows about some stuff but some things I might just keep my secret all my life.
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