Doing things I probably shouldn't do :-s

Well this breakup is sorta a new can of worms for me. To be honest I've never kept in touch with an Ex after we broken up. Most times its that ONE last HUGE Fight and a Fuck You too to the asshole guy and its done and over with.

But than again D isn't like most my Exes.

Somebody had already told him about me being institutionalized (long story best told later) before and that I may not be able to have kids. He told me that after another of our fights where once again I was trying to push him away to try to protect myself. Its too late of course to do that. My heart is entirely entwined with his at this point and always will be as far as I'm concerned.

But I found some things while I was organizing/sorting thru some boxes in my room last night. Got me to thinking back to happier times. When I was thinking of the future and a blue eyed dark haired baby in my arms.

Before I had the bad PAP tests and was wondering if any guy would be interested in someone who could have cancer and not be able to have kids. Still have to go back to the ObGyn that told me my PAP test in June of last year was abnormal.

I had made appointment to go there discuss what it all meant but than I just plain chickened out and didn't go. I mean, I already knew it wasn't good news you know? Like I said I just chickened out and stayed home. Didn't help that I'd stayed up the night before cleaning because I was nervous and afraid of what the Dr would tell me.

I've got another PAP test set up for the 23rd and I've already arraigned for a ride to the Health Dept to do that one and than my very first group therapy is the next day. Got a feeling I'm gonna need that meeting.

I know I shouldn't borrow trouble but its hard not to think of the worst thing you know? That C word and everything that comes with it :-s

And speaking of borrowing trouble, I messaged D today. Its been about a week since our fight/breakup and I wasn't sure if I should or not but I'd seen he'd shared a picture I had posted. Call me foolish call me hopeful but I'm hoping maybe he messages me back. I mean like I said I'm so new to even trying to staying friends with a recent Ex that I'm not sure if I should of even messaged him :-(

I sorta joked with him about stealing my picture and that I couldn't help seeing it because when my mind wanders, I end up on his page. Ugh I freaking sound like a damn stalker :-s Just shakes my head okay on that note I'm going to bury my head under a pillow for at least 4 or 6 hours. Maybe when I wake up what I did/messaged him won't sound so stupid/desperate?

Sighs gonna go to sleep now after I hang up the clothes in the washer now and start up another load for when I wake back up.

Good night/Good Morning to anybody reading this.